Horse Medicine

At dawn I listened to the Shaman's drum as I descended into the under world. Not knowing, I asked for my power animal and/or spirit guide to be with me.
   A wise Indian elder, whose name and tribe I don't know yet came to offer me her courage, her wisdom to face the Darkness.  Also came a sturdy stallion, jet black for me to ride beside my medicine woman.  I felt the freedom of speeding across the prairie, supported by this noble creature; I felt his strength, his deep attunement to the earth beneath his nimble feet.  He shall help me be at peace with darkness, unafraid as together we find the Light.  I weep now, for yes, I have been afraid, and treasure these two sacred companions.  I look forward to learning from you both in the days, weeks, and months to come!

WE GATHER TOGETHER, GIVING THANKS

                        WE GATHER TOGETHER, GIVING THANKS

Every year there is a special day to honor loved ones, to give thanks for what we do appreciate abut the year almost over.  It can be a hectic time with too much on our “to do” list.  It can be a time for remembering those no longer with us.  Often the music

of our growing up years comes back, a art of our DNA to know the musicals, folk tunes, classical pieces that give us joy, comfort, feelings evoked only by music.  Often for me it is church music from my choir-days, or the spirited music of Joan Baez or Peter, Paul and Mary---forgotten for months, but it can come back when I hear it on the radio.

In my pre-ten years, we often had an outdoors Thanksgiving in Death Valley—no music, maybe turkey mom had prepared ahead, mostly a chance to get into the desert and explore between rain squalls.  I have photo memories of enjoying the desert when Jeff was a toddler, and we lived in Salt Lake City, so did get to Death Valley that spring, when the flowers of the desert made their miraculous appearance, often for only days, then dormant again for years.  When my sons were young, John and I drove to the Great White Sand Dunes to camp, climb the dunes, explore the creek, and enjoy the magic of this once seascape, now in the southwest  corner of the high desert of Colorado.

For years, I did make the traditional Thanksgiving dinner for my family, as I had learned to do from my mom’s example.   She loved to have the grandparents come for the day, and we saw their joy in being included for the yummy meal, with lots of leftovers to take home and sustain them for days to come, when they returned to a home devoid of children and laughter.  It was a reminder of the importance of intergenerational holiday times, putting aside our differences to just share stories and be together.

When Neal and I moved to Oregon, we spent Thanksgiving of 1986 in Auburn; mom paid for us to fly down, and it may have been my last time celebrating with Neal, as he usually preferred to be with his friends in Ashland, and I often went to the free meal for folks who were single and without family nearby.  The Auburn time was the last time I saw my cousins Terry Ellen and her brother, Robert.  Terry took her life a few months later, ending a life of drugs, disappointments, humiliations we never knew of in her family life and years in the army.  At that last dinner with extended family, she seemed withdrawn, not eager to share or converse with these folks who knew so little of the demons inside her that led to a final exit of desperation.  Sad indeed, that a lovely woman still in her twenties did not see anything positive in her fortune.  We cannot change the sorrows given us, but we can rise again to greet the new day as long as life has some meaning.  Terry was a veteran; we never knew what troubles she’d faced without a mentor to encourage her, remind her of her strengths, befriend her when she felt abandoned.  We still have many vets today facing the dark clouds of their war experiences, and not always receiving the support they’ll need to create a new life.

Many Thanksgivings I did not feel the comfort of family, so when mom became troubled in mind and discouraged by her misfortunes, Jeff and I often drove to be with her, either for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  It gave her joy to be with family, first in Ashland when she could drive to us, then when she lived in Auburn as Marie’s companion.  It was tough for Jeff and me to watch her becoming frail, disinterested in gardening or cooking decent meals as her health steadily declined.  I am sure we did bring sunshine into her life, and she loved to laugh with us, not noticing how her home space was becoming more than she knew how to care for; she lived in the past, when times were happier, or in a future hoping family would somehow rescue and take her in.  Once she had two major strokes,

she moved to an assisted living place where she could receive the regular meals and care, day and night, as needed; her family all lived far away, and as her friends began to die or not be able to drive, she didn’t make new friends so readily, and had illusions the whole family would gather and enjoy being together.  We did this weeks before she no longer recognized us; we had an early Thanksgiving in 2010; she loved feeling our presence, sharing chocolate cake with her, but by the real Thanksgiving, she was moving on to a world where she could no longer enjoy our voices, our hugs, our songs.  I weep, for this had been a holiday she loved to share, and since her death, family members have had their own challenges and the wonder of grandkids or new friends.  Jeff and I had several Thanksgivings with my friend Curtis in Talent, and it was there we learned of Neal and Adrienne’s engagement.  Life does go on, and to stay locked in wishing the past could happen again prevents one from treasuring the present.

     So it is 2012, Jeff will join me soon for a quiet afternoon, and we’ll have a lovely potluck turkey with trimmings dinner with my Unitarian family.  With luck, the cold fog will lift and we’ll enjoy a simple walk, celebrating and giving thanks for the endings and beginnings in our lives!  What we do now can still make a difference to friends and family in our lives.

November 22, 2012

Grateful for Kind Words

A friend I’d not seen in months says I’m looking strong.  She means it, for she has seen me when walking at all was painful, and that sense of despair showed in my posture.

It is easy to be kind to a small child, or a friend crying, needing some encouragement.

It takes awareness to change patterns of not being kind to myself when I need to be more gentle, or say no to a commitment that feels not true to serving myself or others.

Dancing, singing, making the time to prepare good meals, and eat without distractions, calling new or old friends, using this computer to reach out and share….these all give

 Joy if I am in choice.  Kind worlds sometimes could be “Give yourself a break.  Do something relaxing and fun.  Forget the “should do” list, for it will be there for another day if important. 

        Yesterday was rainy in the early morning, turning into sunshine by afternoon.  The air was crisp, fresh, and the leaves are turning in earnest.  I yearned to enjoy Lithia Park, to hang out with others in a quiet way, taking some pictures I might share with friends. The photo here is taken at North Mountain Park, where Dot and I began to dance to the rhythm of the band in the gazebo.  Soon the rains will come, and being outdoors isn’t so inviting.  Kindness is allowing myself simple pleasures!  After being in the park and walking among the Lithia Artisans, I wanted to go to the Bead Studio, take apart two bracelets, and create new ones for my granddaughter, Taryn, her mom, and myself.

         Happily the lady behind the counter was very helpful, listening well so I could create my project in this special moment, before I got hungry.  I was aware of feeling glad to be creating jewelry that is unique, fun to wear, reminding me of living from my heart space.  Working with beads is meditative for me; I feel calm, quietly enjoying what unfolds in this collaboration between my eyes and my fingers.  Being aware instead of judging myself for enjoying a craft that suits my current age, when making an elaborate embroidered flower on a shirt, or knitting a whole scarf, feel like too much for my eyes and attention span now.  I love making something another may enjoy instead of buying something that may cost too much, or not even be welcomed.  It is a way of sharing my love!

          Kindness makes us feel better.  It is great to give and to receive it.  There will  be enough.   We are enough,  just as we are. It affects everyone when we say a kind word of encouragement or gratitude. There is already plenty of harshness, exclusion, judgment in our daily lives.  Let us give special attention to being kind whenever possible.  Notice how precious life feels when we make choices out of love, not obligation!

Dreams are a Portal to our Soul

Dreams, like good poetry, can be a portal to our souls, allowing us insights, awakening to realities our conscious minds may not yet know.  They can give us a glimpse of the future, warn us when we are off our path, help "detoxify" our psyches from news we've absorbed from the media that needs to be deleted.

It helps to work with a support group to understand archetypes and get feedback when a dream seems utterly confusing.  It also helps to invite dreams into our awareness so they feel welcome, and record the ones we can recall.  In many ancient traditions, dreams were considered sacred, a special message from a wiser place within us.  In this world of constant technological updates, maybe it is a good time to honor and reflect on our dream life as a valid way of better understanding ourselves, including our shadow parts we may prefer to ignore.
Working with our dreams requires some patience, faith, and courage, for they can give us access to the unknown, and are not always pleasant or easy.  Give it a try if this interests you.  You alone decide what rings true when a dream whispers (or shouts) in your sleep time. It is your choice to explore or ignore your dreams!

Tapping helps me be more accepting & trusting

When I tap I feel calmer, more able to tap into the emotions I may have been overriding or ignoring.  Do I spend money to avoid dealing with underlying feelings? Yes, at times I do, and I am getting better at both accepting myself and taking time to ask "Does this really serve/help/empower me to spent my money in this way?  Is it really important?"  I just spent $47 on a download to help me get at underlying beliefs that undermine my being able to lose weight, especially around my belly.  I trust I'll make the time to work with this program, and see results that improve my health, my posture, my physical attractiveness, my confidence I CAN achieve a healthier body by losing 15 lbs.  I will have more energy, vitality, self-wroth and confidence when I weigh in at 125 lb. and can maintain that healthy weight!  The food and liquids I eat and drink will support my over-all well-being, and I can say no to binge or excess eating that I now do compulsively, not even aware when I overeat.
    Tapping on body parts that hurt can be so simple and effective.  Ask the part, "What are you wanting me to know?"  What is your message to me?  I am willing to listen and pay attention to you, for I deeply love you, accept you, and want to see you feeling better!
    There are so many resources, right here at my fingertips.   I like the suggestion that I take a few moments, several times a day, to tune into a positive end result, how it feels, for example, to be gazing into the eyes of my beloved partner, feeling grateful we are together, lucky, blessed, more relaxed and happy and joyful to have one another, for we have both been earnest in our yearning for a life partner for quite some time. As I write this, I take a deep  breath, realizing all the baby steps do add up, and it's good to relax and trust the process, letting do the self-limiting doubts that he won't accept, respect, and want to live with me.  Friendship is built on getting to know another person, finding delight as well as challenges in being together and making plans to embrace one another fully, all parts included!
    It's great to be able to express myself here.  And it's time to celebrate this new day, and notice what is working, and the self-talk I give myself when I experience frustration, tiredness, indecision.  My self-confidence is growing!

Access Consciousness

How I'd love to be able to wipe clean my slate, let go fears, worries, beliefs that continue to sabotage me.  I would love changes to feel encouraging, like my ability to create income doing work that is personally rewarding to me as well as to clients, and honors my yearning to feel positive changes in my health and wellness w/o so much ambiguity and exhaustion.  I welcome clarity how I shall have the second $100 for this Saturday's workshop, or a sign this is a good move, a wise investment at this time.  Where does this doubt about spending money on furthering my skills come from?  John Harper was very cynical about healing modalities that had no strict scientific proof; he was not open to ideas beyond his belief system.  This is his mistrust, much like his dad's engineer mind-set.  I poc-pod these doubts, and am open to the universe giving me the support I deserve!
    It felt good to share with Katie tonight, and have Mary Jo's cooperation re. the auction.  May I sleep peacefully with my energy renewed by the night's rest,and in the dawn, may I be open to what is possible!

Tiger, Tiger

In my dream you came, standing before me, stopping my descent.  Would you care to speak to me, let me know why you came into my dreamspace?
   My species is now endangered as never before.  Because of man's greed there are few places in Africa or in India where I can exist in the wild.  You are sensitive to the demise of innocent creatures across this planet.  You need to be very careful if you want to live with another person.  You need someone patient, supportive toward your writing, willing to give you a room totally your own.  It is possible another FP would be good for you on your home front, someone not into confrontations, not quick to feel threatened and hide his or her feelings.  You need someone capable of being open, and able to explore their own dark as well as bright sides. 
  I weep as I write.  Am I to be alone?  Tell Great Spirit you wish a partner now, not someone driven by lust, greed, selfish motives for being near you.  Honor your pace, and priorities truly imp to you, such as friends you can trust, exercise that invigorates you, people who encourage, not deplete you.  Be at home wherever you are, and trust your love is felt  more than you now realize.  You do need support, and this class about change is excellent for you.   Enjoy tiny adventurous moments, close to home, and the Eugene trip will be a good break and chance to travel, and be with kind folks.  Curtis isn't a big priority for you, but his friendship can still be supportive.  Call on me at a later date; I will come.

Good to swim again!

It felt special to actually swim again, in a most uncrowded Y.  And play a bit of basketball with a kind young man-just the shooting baskets part!
     Glad to have Elizabeth's upbeat presence, and watch Sleepless in Seattle with Ann and Ella.  Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan go well together.  Grateful to have friends I can count on, folks who really care and are glad to be with me even when I'm having a tough time.  Glad to mail in 3 poems yesterday to the Sibella Contest; if I am meant to share another year, it shall happen!

Saturday 4/14

Today began overcast and rainy, but after the constellation w/ Emily, the sky was blue and I took a short nap in Clay St. Park.  Met a new friend, Gemma, and I have a feeling we'll do somethings together; felt good to talk with someone brand new and interested in my life too!  What I learned from the constellation is it felt good to have the closure of a big hug with mom, and realize she wanted me in an overwhelming way when she was pregnant with me, and I am so grateful she not only gave me the gift of life, but did her best to be a mom I could count on, even with her work demands.  She is at peace, and me too, with her death, and in some ways, we can be closer when we choose, for the challenges of her last years alive are now over.  As I represented Chad's grandpa, I realized I have a gift born of my experiences of helping make death more comfortable and acceptable when someone is near the end & anxious about dying.  I can help the living with their grieving, and the dying with moving on w/o the load of guilt or misgivings.  My hart can be open to whatever needs to happen.  That is a gift!  I ate more wisely today, taking along a veggie burger for a snack.  Proud of my self-discipline!

Good things on Friday the 13th of April

Katie's upbeat help, good phone visit with Keziah re. I do march to my own drummer, not sore after English Country Dancing, good structure for class on Embracing Change, more rain for our watershed.  It is ok to miss the afternoon antidepressant.  it's good not to feel I have too many should 's!
   I like doing this on-line and being able to look back on where my life is working.  As Keziah  said, more fun stuff, less frustration will reduce depresssion, and I have a gift for expressing myself in writing, and correcting myself when I do make a mistake.  I don't need needy people or pets in this time of my life; there are genuine losses that come with aging, and I can accept them with grace and humility.   There are pluses to not having to need a roommate or pay for home repairs!