SUNSHINE MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE!

SUNSHINE makes such a difference!

After days of grey, wet or snowy skies

Out comes the sunshine

No greater Light to give us Joy

When the Bleak Mid-Winter was becoming grim

Even a simple walk on a soccer field, mushy beneath my feet

  after so much snow and rain

Gives me joy, reminding us all

Everything changes, and I for one am grateful

This year is ending with a mixed bag of moisture,

  sunshine, and yes, skies of blue that feeds my soul

  When my body is not yet ready for skis or toboggans!

What if Love?

What if Love is a gradual unfolding, a sense of feeling at home with certain places, certain people who are kind, thoughtful, helping us live more fully, a way we come to peace with our common grounds and our differences too?
     What if loving another dearly, deeply, awakens us in ways not possible if we are afraid to risk being loved passionately, and doing so in return beyond our past experiences?  What if love is an adventure in being curious, open, present instead of having any preconceived notion of what love should be like?  Love can be gentle, and it can be difficult at times too.  Such is life.
      May we all learn to see wonder and the magic of being more loving in simple daily living.  Part of love is discerning when to let go, when that feels appropriate to.  Not always let go of another person, but letting go our own beliefs and trusting more the mystery of love.  It takes courage to love.  In the 16th century, Martin Luther didn't believe in the Trinity and the place of the Pope in dictating what Christianity was all about.  He believed God was more loving and accessible to everyone.  He translated the Bible into German so folks could have an individual relationship with God, for in his day, the Bible was the only book many people even had.  He came to believe God was too loving to send folks to hell and damnation.  He believed God was bigger than fear and forcing people to follow rules often created by men into power, not love.  He believed questioning was a basic right on our journey to creating a faith we can live and die with.
      What if love requires vision, courage, curiosity, a willingness to become someone we'd never even imagined five or ten years ago?  When we share and care for one another, honoring our interconnectedness with all beings, we share a reverence for the web  of life, for the sacredness of many paths, not just one.  Yes, there will be times of tears and laughter, of being humble as well as vulnerable.  And there is a place for anger when we see grave injustices that even today darken the prospects for our survival, individually and on a broader plane as well.
      What if love is meant to give us hope, brighten our path as the journey can be long and overwhelming if taken alone.  What if love and peace can prevail.  What then?

GRACE COMES UNEXPECTEDLY

GRACE COMES UNEXPECTEDLY

Sometimes grace comes out of nowhere,

like a kitten  purring in your lap, or beside your heart when you are weeping uncontrollably.

Grace is that beam of sunshine  that pours forth midst the down pouring rain

  a touch of wonder, a miracle for which we need no explanation, for it’s a mystery.

Grace is listening to a friend with a more open mind, hearing his positive intention

   even though his choice would not be your own.  Grace is accepting, not fighting reality.

   Grace and gratitude for the wonder of his generous heart, big enough to be more inclusive than my own in this circumstance.  Grace is being filled with Light and Presence, after a tough labor that tests every ounce of one’s courage; a quiet , unspoken gift as if to say  “good job, woman.  The Divine Mother dwells in this place; accept her love, her comfort. Hallelujah.”

Often grace comes when we have that wonderful sense of belonging in this sacred place, whether it be a forest, a mountain top, a friend’s warm embrace.  Grace is present as we watch the ocean waves ebb and flow, or sing  in fellowship, feeling the collective joy of being here together.  It can come too when we are alone with a sense of wonder; yes, I too can be more patient, more open-minded, more loving than I’d ever considered possible before!  Grace is often interwoven with faith in things unseen.  It’s all right.  Namaste!

      Grace reaches out to touch us when we are sore afraid or hurt.  Grace hears our tears, and takes us in her amazing arms, like a mother holding her newborn baby.  Grace gives us strength to let go  or hold on tightly when every fiber of our being says “”no, I cannot do this!”  Grace gives us courage and confidence to do what is for the best, no matter how challenging this may be.  Grace gives us the patience to live with the not-knowing when we need to wait for an answer to surface, with no idea how long this may take.  It’s all right to not know.  Grace has its own magic, weaving possibilities we cannot even imagine.  The tears flow, and quietly, grace  comes to be our companion when we most need her sweet caress.

Unexpected JOY MIDST THE HARD TIMES TOO!

Unexpected JOY, two incredible healthy babies are now two incredible, bright, lovely and loving young women, Lara (left in purple scarf) and Meagan (multitone scarf, on the right).
   And soon I shall see Lara and her mom Linda before she flies to live in Argentina with her beloved Martin, whom she met last March at Meagan's wedding in Santiago, Chile!
    Life is full of unexpected twists and turns.  What joy to have a visit that I did not expect.

    What can I say.  Your presence, Meagan and Lara, has been such a blessing in my life.
     It's been such fun watching you grow up, unfolding and blossoming with such courage, confidence, and incredible openness to work hard and go for your dreams in a big way.
   
      How glad I am to have been able to give you a healthy beginning, and found such wonderful parents to raise you.  It's often not been easy, true, for any of us.  You are both light beings, big time, and I am so grateful to be a part of your lives.
       You have both brought such joy into this world with your vivacious, go-for-it spirits, with the wise guidance of two wonderful parents who have been there for you even before we knew you were twins, not just one baby girl!  And you’ve had a circle of friends who also care deeply about you, ever since you two were toddlers.  The circle keeps expanding as you share your  zest for living with passion, dignity, humility, and hearts full of compassion for people of all color, all backgrounds. 

Both of you are now fluent in Spanish.  I’d not taken  Spanish since my high school years, so am in beginner mode this fall, taking a Parks and Rec. class from a great local teacher who moved to the States from Venezuela.  Yo comprendo mas quando yo estudiar.  Me gusto aprender con mi amigo Jerry y  una caregiver nueva, Rose, y la mujer who cleans the locker room at the YMCA pool.  Enough, this computer won’t let me use the Spanish for this!

    Buenos dias, mi hijas estupendas!  Celebramos la Navidad tres mil millas apart this year.

Pero you shall both be in mi corazon.  Muchas gracias por Facebook a donde we can share!

      ALL FOR NOW-  May the years to come be filled with good health and many other blessings as well.  Vaya con Dios as you continue your journeys in  this lifetime!  With much love to your expanding families, Carol

You Brighten My life, Little One!

You Brighten my Life, Little One.  Full of youthful zest, curiosity, imagination
You pounce on me, demand attention when it is meal time and I am slow to notice
Just when I am overwhelmed by your playful spirit, you suddenly take a nap.

You are christened Lennon, in tribute to John Lennon who lived with such passion, open wide to a life no one before him ever imagined.  With his melodies and his lyrics, he continues to move us to have the courage to love today, as we have never before experienced love.

In the night you romp as you choose, but have learned to not expect me to join you.  However, if I do get up at 4 am, you are right there, eager to be touched, and yes fed a bit too.
Some nights you're on your own.  Others you come to join me for a snuggle, purring your delight to be cuddling with me, warming my bed, warming my heart.  These tender times are fleeting, for you are off exploring after maybe 15 minutes, or you fall into a deep sleep.

Welcome, Lennon.  You are a bit wild and very free, but social, affectionate and eager to meet anyone who comes into our tiny home.  You are the balm I've been needing when I am lonely in the mornings.  Thank you sweet, kitty, for brightening my life, and doing so for my friends as well!

On Being reunited with A Long Lost Soul-Sister

How precious to be in your presence Kimberly, to feel so moved to be with a sister mystic.
Your journey led you to be a Carmelite nun for over ten years to find the community to honor your need for silence, working the land,  being with sisters who shared your  calling to be wedded to the Divine.  Your path too has been full of many twists and turns.  I look  forward to reading your first book, Love Calls, and listening to the meditation tapes from you.
    I too am a mystic who often finds her voice in writing.  Here is a part of a poem about The Way of Compassion:   "Music, meditation,  sunshine, yoga, feldenkrais, dance and special moments with enlightened sisters and brothers are critical for my own awakening.  And most critical, time to listen within  to my own Spirit, feeling her presence in alignment with what allows me to be more expansive.  A call within to remembrance of  ancient holy laws, needing now to be rewritten in song, dance and verse, to tell this world the matters of the heart that bind and heal our wounds.  We need to liberate the oppressed, that we may rise again, speaking boldly without fear,  coming  from a place of knowing.   For me this means silence, compassion,  caring,  living a  disciplined life that welcomes playful times as well, letting go what no longer sustains life."  This was written over 25 years ago, and I am still learning to listen and trust that tender voice within.
    It felt sacred, to be in your presence this weekend.  It felt sacred to be among the ancient oaks, pines, elderberries, and even the uprooted trees along Hyatt Lake yesterday.  There are indeed times when life uproots us, and we need to find new ways of being in such times of momentous changes.
We need our soul sisters and brothers; it's a journey honoring our need for solitude and silence,  and as well, times for camaraderie in sharing our love,  and letting our voices ring out!

 

Enter the Garden and Be Glad

I enter the garden, and am again reminded we are not alone here.
Even on a smoky day, the garden welcomes me, soaks up the fresh watering, likes having her weeds pulled and a little attention from  her gardener.
   Like me, she withers without attention, and quietly keeps on giving flowers, basil, mint, and yes,  
    Even small new kale leaves perfect for my smoothies.  She began with only a few seedlings,
         and here in mid-summer, she continues to unfold, blessing all who enjoy her beauty!
Every year she mysteriously selects what plants will thrive and which ones won't make it.

We need more gardeners who choose to connect with and honor the land, rejoicing in  even
     the most humble harvest.  What if we taught young kids to plant and nurture a few seedlings each year?  They'd know where chives and kale, parsley and broccoli come from-not from the grocery aisles, but from the wind, the rain, the sunshine, the soil, and their own tender caring.  The garden, no matter how small, has much to teach us about patience, proper nutrients make a difference, and the
simple joys of creating something in hand with Nature.  We learn what makes the garden thrive
    helps us thrive as well.  How cool is that?

A Part of my Soul has been missing

A part of my soul has been missing since I gave you both to your new parents.  In your  eyes and your passion  for life, I see parts of me that I would  like to have back again; that faith in life, that zest for being alive in this time on this planet.   Giving you away was an unthinkable loss that has never been understood by anyone, and  here I am , 70  years old, a woman in  her crone years.  A lovely woman shaman  has come into my life to help me retrieve the part of my being that was lost when I loved you dearly and deeply for nine months,  then knew I needed to let you go and be raised by  parents who could give you the life I could not.  No one was available to offer me the comfort and grief counseling I needed,  just as was true for my mom when she lost my dad in World War II; maybe a part of her soul disappeared with that lost.  We may never know for sure.
    I am grateful I'll be continuing to get the counseling I've needed to feel whole and healthy in my own psyche, my own body.  Sometimes blessings take a long time in coming.  You've both been a blessing for your parents, for me,  for so many people.  I  am ready to gently take the time to reconnect, reunite with the part of my soul that has been missing all  these years.   No one  is to blame, and I have no regrets to have chosen Linda and Warren to be your parents.  The tears I've held inside for almost three decades are beginning to flow in earnest.  The healing has begun.  Perhaps this needs to happen  before I am ready to write a memoir of the difficult and courageous decision a woman  faces when she consciously gives up her newborn child or children.   Slowly the pieces of the puzzle are coming together, and for this I am feeling grateful and blessed.  Love moves in mysterious ways!  May our story, your stories  and mine as well, be an inspiration to others in  the years to come.

Spiritual Abuse from childhood takes time & support to heal

Spiritual abuse in childhood results from trauma that makes the inner child afraid, feeling unsafe in his or her vulnerability, and not able to trust or even contact his or her Spirit guides or higher Self.
     In my case, my mom lost faith in feeling protected and loved herself when her husband, my Dad, was MIA  three months into their pregnancy with me.  She felt alone, betrayed, angry, depressed, helpless to be connected to the love and wonder she had experienced with Bill that she rarely knew in her family, as the youngest of four children in a family with much physical poverty and confused communication.  She wasn't able to cope with being a single mom, and had no resources to comfort or help her deal with being a widow, and losing her husband without certainty he was truly dead.
      This for me meant I did not feel safe and protected, emotionally my mom had trouble bonding and being there for me.  Happily my grandmas could see I needed a love and attention that my mom rarely could muster, but I had no one consistent caregiver in those early years, and learned early on that love was very conditional, and I needed to be a "good girl" and hold inside my own tears and loss to help this new family survive. So while I was not beaten nor yelled at, there was real neglect that even today affects my ability to trust other people are really there for me in a loving, consistent way.
     Yes, we all need to learn ways to be our own best friend, and give ourselves the parenting we did not have, and we also need to feel deep within we are worthy of love, worthy of the support of kind and caring people in our lives today.  So if we had little touch and tender words of encouragement and comfort in our early years, or love was intermittent and conditional, we have unmet needs in our adult years that need attention without the overlay of shame or guilt.
     It has been so precious to watch my daughters be raised by parents who consistently and deeply adore them, and have given them the tools to be self-confident, resourceful young women who handle disappointment and setbacks with way more ease than I do even today.  Their sensuality and emergence as young women were celebrated and respected, not denied or repressed.  They have great self-discipline, but also spontaneity and openness to keep trying new things.   Fun has been important in their lives  along with learning, having a huge circle of supportive friends, and supportive parents when they've faced tough times.  I have learned there are better ways to parent than what I learned mostly from books, and trial and error.  Happily the degree of neglect and inattention I felt as a child was not what my sons experienced, as it was a passion, a drive, in me to be the best mom I knew how to be,  even in the context of an unhappy marriage.  And I have had a few long-term supportive friends who stood by me when my life felt impossible.
       Whatever the abuse we knew as children, we now do have tools to make our own lives better, to be open to giving and receiving the love we did not get in our early years. We have amazing role models if we knew mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual abuse; gender, sexual,  and racial abuse are still widespread, but so many people are waking up to more caring, open, accepting ways of interacting with others who have suffered childhoods, and sometimes adulthoods too, that feel overwhelming to them, and unimaginable to us.  We do need comrades with compassion, courage, the willingness to rise above our pasts so we can be more fully present for ourselves, for our loved ones.

       Enough for this new day.  My intention is to be gentle and kind to my own inner child, and take some time out to ask her what she needs today.  It was so precious to watch my son Neal offer cuddles and warm words of wisdom and encouragement to his young daughters when they needed it; they have helped open his heart, and I see a much healthier family unfolding with the clear love between Neal and Adrienne as together they are committed parents, able to handle the many challenges in their lives right now with patience,  grace, courage, and tools they both are open to learning and sharing as they share their love and warmth with these precious girls in their lives now.
      Time to  wash up, get dressed, welcome this new day!  Grateful for all the love in my life now, and my own openness to wonder and cherishing special moments with new and old friends!

Blessed Be the Ties that Bind and Nurture Us!

Again, and yet again, let us call  forth our own courage, strength and resourcefulness.
In the night when all is still, my own hands touch to heal my injured rib and caress the womb that continues to give new life, new possibilities long after my years of physical giving birth are past.
     A friend calls, and inside I know going together to Grower's Market will be another blessing for us both, where we can converse with these amazing farmers and crafts people who give life to our community.  He buys seedlings for our awesome garden, I buy produce for  the week ahead.
      Then I take a new friend Diane to a neighborhood potluck, where we both feel the camaraderie, the warmth, the shared stories that give us our sense of belonging to  this tribe of intelligent, awakening people who have chosen Ashland as  home too.  We share good food and friendship as we gather and get to know one another better.  Another new beginning for the two of us, too.
       Returning home, my body needs a rest while Marina quietly helps clean and organize  my fridge and kitchen.  I need her help, and gratefully welcome it.  After a snack, I take  another nap and share a simple meal with another dear friend.  He takes off for an hour to help Tanja check out and buy a lovely red bike from one of his friends,  just the perfect gift for herself right now, so she too can gather strength over the summer and  enjoy that freedom only a bicycle can bring.  One generous heart lending a helping hand to another.  One conscious choice at a time, that is how we'll change this planet.
        As the evening grows cool, we drive to Emigrant Lake .  As we walk, soaking up an amazing sunset and a brisk lakeside breeze, spontaneously I find my left arm free again to reach skyward, the tension in  my ribs dissolving.   Miracles often happen quietly, sometimes suddenly when least expected!  We begin to envision with shared enthusiasm the possibility of a short camping trip along the Rogue River.  We've both been showing up fully for what is important, being  patient and giving spaciousness to the situation of my injury,  already healing faster than I'd dared hope.  A chance to vacation is  indeed coming true!  Fun and enjoying the nature spirits is part of honoring our  deepening connection to being in alignment with nature's gifts.  We go our  separate ways, honoring too these gentle ties that bind  us to the bigger picture.  May we all find simple ways to nourish our hearts, minds, bodies and  souls as summer arrives with a bang of hot weather, then a short reprieve.
        I offer a special blessing to Lara and Meagan as they celebrate their common  birthday tomorrow; it's been a year for new adventures, big transitions and growth for both  of them, and we've all shared in the joy of Meagan's marriage to Jaime this spring!  Time to warm up, wake up, and begin this new day!  What will you choose to do with your precious life this summer?

I AM ONE WITH THE LIGHT OF THE MOTHER

I AM ONE with the Light of the Mother , I am Your Beloved Child
I AM ONE with the Light of the Father, too, for You give me focus and direction
  when I am sore afraid.
In the predawn hours of a summer day, You comfort me in the Stillness
As I sing Climb Every Mountain with old friends, I know I am still part of this
    Earthly Choir, my voice often still, but she also loves to sing with old friends, new friends too.
     When Chris told me she has needed to let go singing with this church choir because of her own
      health challenges, I weep, for having the courage to let go again and yet again has been part of my path as well.
       As my imagination feeds hope into my cellular memory, I would like to sing with a choir  again, be it Threshold Choir, a meditative singing of women who gather at the bedsides of folks nearing the end of their lives, or Women With Wings....I trust I shall be guided as my voice grows stronger, freer.
        It feels like such a blessing to be connecting with sister Goddesses who stand by one another as we each have our own journeys, and we feel this deep camaraderie with each other, too.
        At times our voices are fierce and passionate, at times humble and in awe as we learn to honor our own wisdom, and learn from one another to live in this ever-changing world.  We all seem to love being part of this emerging family that honors, protects, and treasures Gaia as she faces so many changes, needing our voices to speak up on her Behalf.
       May we have the courage, the faith, to be One with the Light of the Mother so long silenced in our collective history.  May we embrace the men, children and grandchildren blessed to walk beside and sing beside us too.  Life is so precious, and  yes, it shall include Death for each of us too, as it has so poignantly in recent years for some of our brightest comrades.  We are part of a lineage, and we too can be open to Source,  God, the Life Force  pulsing through  each of us as we let go old regrets, frustrations,  guilt, and fears and learn to be part of these wondrous new Beginnings! Blessings abound.  Let us rejoice and be glad!

Why, oh Why Goddess of Courage?

Why, oh  Why Goddess of Courage, Goddess of Grace
Has this new friend Jerry come into my life?
    You've needed someone who is wild and intent on  being a seer/teacher himself
     To awaken, and yes, appreciate the teacher/wild woman/one-who-sees within you
He pushes your buttons, sometimes impatient with all your fears, and yet beneath it all
He adores being with you, touching you, listening to you and feeling heard himself.
      For you have both live with  a deep, mysterious  determination to be part of the major changes needed for this planet to survive.  You are awakening one another, and he sees the wonder and strong will within you to give your wild woman, your compassionate woman a voice that shall be heard.
       It is not a time to back down, afraid of all this opening.  Take some deep breaths, for you are wise to have a partner on  this leg of your own journey, and he is eager, like a playful boy himself sometimes, to journey with you.  It is good to be disciplined, and also to allow yourself to be spontaneous, affectionate, joyful.   Just look at the pictures of the two of you, and decide for yourself, Carol.  Happiness flows when we reach out to embrace life, to weather its challenges, to be open to love with grace and gratitude!

What is the Calling, in this Pilgrimage?

Going  to the coast, with some time, too, for the Redwoods and collecting river rocks &/or driftwood, just relaxing and having no set agenda, is a pilgrimage of sorts, a sacred time to connect with the ocean/river/forest wonders.    Maybe I'll sing quietly "Ocean Mother wash over me, help me  sustain  my life. Help me to remember that all life comes from thee.  Help me to surrender to the magic of being in  this lovely natural setting, and appreciate its subtle blessings.  Help me be open  to new learnings that I need for greater clarity in my life  at this time."
    May the gentle presence of water in its natural forms-rivers, ocean, streams touch a deep part of me that is longing for connection, for release from old anxieties, fears, outdated beliefs.  I travel with a friend who I've learned has many core values in common with me-respect for the land, sensitivity to all the serious ways mankind has abused/overused the natural world, and poisoned so much of our  natural habitat, the creatures of land and sky, our air, our food sources too with toxic chemicals meant to make life easier,  at the expense of our health and well-being.
     This will be our  first time camping  together, so it is taking some organization and planning, along with openness to reclaim skills we've both had in abundance in our  past.  Please Spirits who watch over sensitive, sentient beings, help us both  feel your presence, and find joy and delight in simple  pleasures --maybe even some surprises-we have both been longing for.  It is a good thing, to enjoy simple vacations close to home, that rekindle our  spirits and warm our hearts as well.  It's a blessing to still be able to travel safely with a companion who can give me helping  hand when  needed.  I may have limitations I didn't have decades ago, but I still love the landscapes and seascapes that nurture the wild and free spirit within me!  May we be open to the adventurous spirit that is still precious to both  of us!

A Time to Rejoice

It's a day for an adventure, a time to rejoice and be upon the mountain with others eager to bless this precious Guardian of our watershed.  Geraldine chooses to come along too, for she's felt cooped up too long.  What have you to say Geraldine?  You need to stretch your limbs,  open your heart, trust this strength now emerging within you is for the good of all.   Be playful and pay attention.  It shall be a special day, and don't forget some hearty snacks!

Your  body yearns to be in nature this day, not stuck inside while they are putting in new carpeting.  You need fresh air, companionship, sunshine!

Can I live with the not-knowing?

Can I live with so much not knowing, so much change as I grow older?  The  ocean above is calm and inviting, but it can be full of storms and turmoil.  My daughters already have gone where I have never been, trusting each step  to be an exciting new adventure.  Last  summer Taryn was so affectionate  and talkative, and now her sister Eliza, to be three this summer, is asking  questions, curious about everything.  It's hard to live so far from loved ones.  
   Too much on my slate right now.  A  time to slow down, trust more,  fear less, for I am weary, and change can seem too much when my faith wavers.  I weep, not even  sure why.  So many dreams have died, and one would think I'm experienced in letting go, in facing discouragement, disappointment, learning  to live alone when I still hunger for companionship.
  Today it  felt like a quiet whisper from the warm wind tickling my feet through the  bedroom window.   "I am with you, Carol, you  are not alone  at all.  You just get impatient sometimes,  and don't be so hard on yourself when this happens.   Trust the night sky is with you as you sleep this night.  Tomorrow shall be a new day, a new beginning.  Rejoice and be glad you  do have friends you can  count on. " Not-knowing means being open to possibilities instead of set in old ways that aren't working right now.  Imagine this golden cord connecting you with the Divine; let it ground you and comfort you.  See the present as a gift, for when you are too busy with others, you have no time to write, and that is one of your gifts!  Sleep well and welcome the darkness!

RMBL, summer 2001, when  Neal  and Jeff returned to their summer stomping grounds, such a part of their early years.   They were special years for you  to grow strong in  the high country too!

Today I choose to trust

Today I choose to trust life is beautiful
Life is getting better for me as well as for those I love
Life IS supporting me, so the old habits of worry and holding onto
   beliefs and fears not really relevant to this moment in time,
It is okay to let them gently dissolve, and focus instead on what
     is working in my life.
I can choose peace, letting go angry responses that deplete my energy
I can choose gratitude for a friend inviting me on an outing on
   this most glorious, lovely warm day.
We are always free to make new choices and honor the wisdom of our own hearts, our own yearnings, realizing what may have seemed true yesterday may have been a fear we are now free to let go of!
    I can choose to feel blessed, and be a blessing to others in the simplest of ways, for today is a new beginning!